Content to Engage With
Introduction: How we relate to our emotions
If we've been working together for any length of time, none of this will probably feel new to you — think of it more as a gentle reminder to keep making space in your life to name and engage your emotions, even the ones that feel scary.
Pain is, well, painful — so our tendency as humans is to reach for anything that will get rid of the feeling and reduce our suffering. Substances, food, self-harm, lashing out at others, Netflix binges, and the like can all seem like effective quick fixes in the middle of deep emotional pain. But while these quick fixes may minimize pain in the moment, over time they tend to increase it.
Emotions that go unattended rarely disappear. Instead, they morph and find other ways to surface. Think of someone who's disappointed a deal fell through at work and comes home to yell at their family over something small, or someone who buries their grief and later finds themselves chronically stressed. Unattended emotions resurface, often at inopportune times, and they can affect our relationships, our work, our physical health, and our overall well-being. Sometimes the things we use to numb pain also generate additional shame, which only compounds the original problem.
Outline
Content Portion ~ 20-30 minutes
Reflection Portion ~ 10-30 minutes
Invitation for How to Engage
Watch the video above by Dr. Susan David on Emotional Courage
Read over the 4 perspective shifts on how we can relate to our emotions
Carve out some time to either journal, converse with someone else, or simply consider the reflection questions (You can answer all or pick and choose)
If you would like additional resources and want to dive deeper, check out the additional resources section
Content Engagement: The Four Perspective Shifts
It can be scary to even think about sitting with uncomfortable emotions — that fear is real. Many of us were never modeled a healthy way of relating to these feelings, so it can seem like an impossible task. It isn't. Here are four shifts in perspective on emotion that I've found genuinely life-changing, each in its own way.
1. Emotions are not good or bad — they are information
This one can be hard to internalize, because most of us weren't raised to see emotions this way. Instead, many of us learned early on — implicitly or explicitly — that emotions are good or bad. Maybe you watched a parent express anger through violence and learned that anger itself was dangerous. Maybe you were told to stop crying and "be a big kid," and learned that sadness wasn't welcome in your household. Maybe your community met your grief with "stay positive, others have it worse," and you learned grief should be minimized. These are simplified examples, but the point stands: few of us make it out of childhood without picking up judgments about our own emotional experience. In truth, emotions themselves are neither good nor bad — they're simply information. Our bodies are trying to tell us something.
Emotions exist for a reason: they're how our brain and body communicate with us. An important step in learning to sit with painful feelings is recognizing what the emotion is and where it came from. The emotion may feel uncomfortable in the body, but the emotion itself isn't bad. When we can acknowledge a feeling without judging it — or judging ourselves for having it — a sense of freedom tends to follow.
Once we stop judging an emotion, we can get curious about it, which opens the door to learning from it. Try asking: What is this anger telling me about myself and my situation? Where does my sadness about this come from? Why do I feel so nervous here?
Engaging our emotions with curiosity turns them into a launching point for self-awareness and self-compassion. That doesn't mean we'll feel better right away — but it gives purpose and function to what we're experiencing, and it opens space to reflect on our choices and consider different ones going forward.
2. I am not my emotions — I feel my emotions
Most therapeutic modalities have their own language for separating ourselves from our emotions: IFS calls it unblending, ACT calls it defusion. The core idea is the same — we are not our emotion, we feel our emotion. "I am sad" becomes "I feel sad." This distinction matters because it lets us see beyond the current emotional moment and remember that emotions are temporary — which, in my opinion, is both the best and the hardest thing about them. When we can zoom out and get curious, emotions tend to lose some of their grip on us. We become able to make decisions with our emotions rather than being driven by them.
I love the image Susan David uses: think of an emotion as a cloud, but you are not the cloud — you are the sky.
3. Multiple emotions can exist at once
We often feel pressure to settle on a single emotion, but it's far more common — and completely normal — to feel several things at the same time. You don't have to pick one. Multiple emotions can be true together, and each one still deserves to be engaged as information. (Parts language, as can be a helpful way to hold this — different "parts" of you can feel different things at once, and none of them has to be silenced for another to be heard.)
4. Emotions do not equal behaviors
This one is big, and often hard to learn. It means we can validate and hold compassion for our own emotions without that meaning we're obligated to act on them in a particular way. Feeling angry doesn't require screaming or yelling — we can pause and choose how we want to respond. That said, anger usually has something real underneath it, and getting curious about that internally can be worthwhile.
A note: this isn't just a therapeutic reframe — it's supported by research. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, calls this capacity emotional agility: the ability to navigate life's twists and turns with self-acceptance, clear-sightedness, and an open mind, rather than suppressing or being hijacked by difficult feelings.
Reflection Questions
1. Even if you agree, cognitively, that emotions aren't good or bad, are there emotions you notice yourself judging yourself for feeling? What are they, and where did you learn that judgment?
2. Right now, in this moment, what are you feeling? Try using one of the resources below (feelings wheel, mood meter, etc.) to name it specifically, then get curious about it. Let more than one feeling be true if that's what's there.
3. How can I practice accepting and making room for these emotions right now, without rushing to fix or fight them? Can I notice how they feel in my body and breathe through the discomfort?
4. What would action in alignment with my values look like in this moment — taking my feelings into account, without letting them drive the behavior?
**The information contained herein is not therapeutic advice nor a substitute for therapy. It should not be used to diagnose or treat any mental health problem. If you are located within the United States and you need emergency assistance please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are located within Colorado you may also call the Colorado Crisis Line at 844-493-TALK (8255).
